Wednesday, December 2, 2015


Loss comes in all forms. I lost my keys, I lost my phone. I lost my to do list. No, those things are mis placed. Not loss. Loss truly comes from feeling of absence. Robin Williams used this line in a movie once and he said it to Matt Damon. "Loss truly only happens when you love someone more than yourself". And that hits the nail on the head.

We have all had some form of loss in life or we will.

My first form of loss was loosing several friends to car accidents. Most of them caused by alcohol. While I thought I felt loss. I was really just sad. Because it was a tragedy and such a  waste of human life at such a young age, I still think about them all the time. I miss them.

The loss of health. This one I get to experience every single day of my life repeatedly. And anyone who is disabled because of their disease knows exactly what I am talking about. I am reminded when I look out the window and see people leaving for work. I am reminded that unless you are sick that you have plans from 9-5. How I see more doctors in 1 month than most healthy people see in a couple years. How I am limited to making plans, breaking plans, arriving late, leaving early or just can not attend. These are constant reminders of loss to me. While I do my best, I know I have zero control over how I feel. I can not always do what I want to do, be reliable or have the strength to finish from fatigue. It is what it is. It is a loss of health.

In the past 6 months I have dealt with what I feel as the worst loss off my life. I have attended funerals before. Uncles, friends, co workers. And as I mentioned above. Was sad, empathetic. And compassionate of loss. This year I experienced the worst loss I had ever experienced.

I have dealt with relationships and a marriage that dissolved which at first made me very sad but in the end jump for utter joy and its a smile that keeps on giving. But it isn't that.

In May of this year I lost my dog, This dog was so special to me, More than any animal I had loved.
It's really hard to convey but this poor little dog was left for dead, Vets say he was homeless close to 6 months. Not even 9 lbs, covered in fleas, feces, vomit, worms, blood, urine, going blind and deaf, hair like dread locks, Hair so long he couldn't wag his tail, it just swept. This poor little guy was going to die in 24 hours because it went below zero the next day. He was starving, very sick and very friendly. We rescued him. Within that 2.5 years he was with us. We brought him back to life. Got him healthy again, pure white, 10 teeth pulled and with the 200+ vet visits got him on track. That dog was family welcomed by our other dog. Slept on my head. Came to me when I had attacks, trusted me and knew this was home. It makes me so sad when I think of him that the first 80% of his life was abuse, neglect and hunger. I miss him so much. When he passed my wife and I were hoovering over his grave and I cried give me a sign as the sky was jet black and our city was having a tornado that day. Within a split second I looked up and seen him in the clouds.  My wife and I miss him beyond words. That dog was with me 99.9% of the time since we found him.

In July this year I was told within 12 hours of bringing both my parents to Emerg by ambulance that we would be instant caregivers to my dad when he got out of the hospital 14 days later and mom had a month to live as she was full of cancer. 2 on her lungs(1 being very large and where they believe the cancer originated from), 1 on her adrenal gland, 1 on her liver and 25 on her brain. She was inoperable. I had to make decisions on both my parents lives. I had to take over, take charge, make life decisions and do this on my own. I went completely numb.

In 2000 I almost lost my dad to cancer. He was given a 50/50 chance of living. He had throat cancer and they did a full lyrengectomy. He now breathes through a hole in his neck. and with that came an array of other health issues and disabilities. I was in college at the time. I was on the honor role and to be told my dad might die was hard. I was a single dad at the time putting myself through college at  an adult age after a separation and working on a new career. It was a very tough time. But we got through it. Just the 3 of us. My mom, dad and me. No one else. This time I had my wife there.

My wife and I have been together for 5 years. She got to know my parents very very well. My wife adores both my parents and doesn't have 1 negative thing to say about either of them. They also welcomed my wife with open arms despite other women in my life using them first chance they got.

I will admit when the physician told me my mom was terminal and why I wasn't surprised. As I said I was numb and still grieving over our dog. I was sad, I was heart broken. But I had to just be numb to deal with everything. I couldn't call anyone for help. There was no one to call. It was all on me. My wife was there to support me, help me with things. But there was not a single person I could have take over as much as I wanted to. No one earned that right but me anyway.

Within a day radiation was offered to decrease the swelling in moms brain and possible extend her life. Mom passed in 33 days. Whether the radiation gave her another 2 weeks I do not know. Over the course of the 33 days mom slowly each day was going. Every day I said I love you and see you tomorrow I asked myself if she was going to be there the next day. Seeing her fade was hard. This woman taught me everything. She raised me into a man, She helped me when I fell and encouraged me to get back up. This woman had dealt with starvation growing up, hiding from the Nazi's, and had a very hard life growing up. My mom as I knew it was dying. There isn't a quote from the bible, a hug from a loved one, that can prepare you for this. All while dad was 3 floors down dealing with his health issues.

While dad was 3 floors down it actually helped us deal with their apt.  Packing, selling, and moving, Renovating our home for dad to live in. Once dad was mobile again and well enough to come home with us in sorts we then brought him back and forth to the hospital. Each day they greeted each other wish a kiss. I still to this very day imagine what dad must feel after 52 years of marriage watching the love of his life pass in front of him.

I barely got any private alone time with mom. The day before she passed I was able to be alone with mom. She was in palliative. Sadly only got there day before she passed. I said " Mom. we be ok. Its ok to go now. I promise to take care of dad. Zack will be ok, Take care of Buster for me. We will love and miss you forever". My mom then lipped "I love you" to me. Last words she ever spoke. She had stopped speaking a day or two before. She passed the next night.

Dealing with the cremation, my father, absence of my son, Buster, renovator who ripped us off, was tough. It was the absolute hardest time of my life.

But the real loss hit me sometime after. I miss my mom so much. There is nothing I couldn't give to hug her one more time. A part of me died with her. I talk to her numerous times a day. She is always in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad I always swallowed my anger if  I was ever mad and was there for my mom and dad day in and day out.

It is true....when they are gone. That is it. No turning back time wishing I woulda coulda shoulda or live with regret. There is NO TAKING BACK TIME.

I miss you momma. I love you.

I am not sure how long I am supposed to cry and be sad for. I don't really care if you see me do. Each time I see mom, Buster, in a photo, my thoughts and lately my dreams, it is because of how much I love and miss them. I miss other people too. But that is a choice they make. Not a decision I have done.

This is loss. Loving someone more than you love yourself.

I imagine in my brain mom is in heaven with Buster waiting for us. Buster looking up at my mom, tail wagging knowing I am coming one day. Thank god I am a Christian. Id hate to think being a non believer Id never see them again because that would suck, But I don't and know in my heart and believe I will be with them again.

I usually blog for you. Today, I blogged for Mom and Buster.

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