Sunday, November 20, 2022

H.O.P.E. Hold On Pain Ends ..... whatever that pain is.

 A decade and a half of human torture and its over now. If you have read my blog before. You will know I endured the Worlds Most Painful Disease known to science for 15 years.  But this blog today is not about that. Its about a different kind of pain. A battle of 38 years in the making.

Trauma. What kind of trauma have you experienced? Is it mental health? This is a form of pain that even I can not explain. I personally have had multiple trauma's in my life. Chances are you have or will too in your lifetime. 

When I was first diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for a trauma I had, it was actually the second trauma. The first one happened when I was 12. But I managed to bury (suppress) that for 38 years.

I did not know it was PTSD. Not for the second or first traumas. By the 3rd and 4th traumas, I knew what was happening to me. Enough awareness, education and diagnosis was the end result of PTSD.

Unfortunately one of them opened "Pandora's Box" on me. Which opened the flood gates of HELL from my first and ongoing traumas. It happens. I thought I did a very good job of keeping that shit buried for almost 4 decades. 

I never knew until recently burying those traumas deep in my soul could cause more harm that good by trying to forget, not think and keep on keeping on. In fact. It was horrible. I've never felt this horrible in my entire life. Even after multiple brain surgeries.

Physical pain that I endured is so far different than mental pain I have endured. Absolute night and day. Even when I wanted to die. It was completely different. I wanted to live, just not at the expense it was costing me.  Mental health is far different. Completely. 

I am not claiming to be an expert on mental health advice or treatment. I am simply a person who fights daily with PTSD on different level. Where as the disease I had was pretty evident seeing me have attacks how much physical pain I was in. Mental Health people generally do not see, unless there has been significant weight gain and or loss. People being unkept, disheveled. Personally I gain weight when things are not well. It becomes a physical fight as well with yourself. A lot of people do not care you are unwell. They don't ask your well being. They don't ask how therapy is. People don't say shit. It is ok because this is a personal fight with yourself. Trying to heal yourself through whatever means you need to do to recover from trauma.

Therapy is changing the way you look at things. For me, I have been able to find answers to questions or "stuck points" in my life. It is an ongoing challenge in life. I don't think it will ever stop. It helps me grow to be a better human, husband, father and friend. 

I consider myself very fortunate to have gotten help. This blog would have not been written if it wasn't for getting help. I am not trying to offer advice. I am simply stating that if you are going through pain, It will end at some point. Never stop holding on to hope. When my friend Mike saved my life and I got better physically. It helps me today to know that even being the first human in the world to have stem cell for cluster headaches, that when I was told there was no more hope or help for me, that one person cared enough to send me to a special dr and I got fixed. That is enough proof that after 15 years of absolute torture that I got better. So when I faced this mental health crisis. I held on to HOPE. Shit did get better and it did get worse before it got better. I kept holding on to hope. And its helping.

Hold On Pain Ends