Saturday, March 9, 2013

What gets me through nights like last night...

As I type with one eye open. Its not because of an attack I am having, its because of all the attacks I have had as of recently. I am to say the least. Exhausted. Wiped out. I don't understand it. I am not overly stressed out. Perhaps its the programming in the neurostimulator? Hard to say. But whatever it is I am not having fun.

What gets me through things is prayer, my faith. M wife and son. My son just got his 1st car. I am very proud of him. Not many 14 yr olds own a cool old car. Its far nicer than I ever had as a first car. What makes me happy, keeps me motivated are days that we father and son can head into the garage and work together. With my fatigue, exhaustion and disease and pain there isn't a whole lot of me doing much. But my knowledge is still there and I can show and tell him how to do things. Being with him, enjoying this irreplaceable father/son time is special to me. It helps me look past the disease and focus on him achieving goals.

I never did anthing like that wtih my dad. Although I respect my dad for working, earning and providing a roof over our heads and food on the table. We don't have much in common with cars. My son and I do. So these times we can do stuff together, share this hobby and passion is great. The hobby itself gave me a career. Gave me ability to maintain/repair my own cars saving time and money paying someone to fix it. Gave me a social network of friends whom share the same hobby. And assisted me in my world travels of meeting famous gear heads like Jay Leno and Tim Allen to name a few.

When my son was looking to buy a car, I said, you can buy a front wheel drive everyday reliable car and drive year round or...have a really cool summer car and bus it in the winter....his choice. Old car. Same as me as a kid. I feel like I am passing the torch to my son now. And it gives me great comfort and pleasure knowing I can teach him things. To fix, build, repair, maintain and save money as well as enjoy a hobby.

We go to car shows, cruise nights together since he was a baby. His actual first words were"Hot Rod". he would point to my 74 Nova and say "Hot Rod". He has been to drag strips, Nascar races, Jay Leno's Garage, every car show, cruise night and the Woodward Dream Cruise. Anything car related under the sun you can think of. I have always thought of him as AMEX.I never leave home without him. I been like that with him since birth. I have never left him behind. With having a close relationship with him, he caught the car bug at an early age and its now a hobby we both love and can share together. And I am very grateful for it. There is allot he likes that I don't but that's a OK and he must have his own interests, friends and other hobbies too. But the car thing is one hobby we both love.

After last night, screaming for well over an hour at top of my lungs, laying in bed for a good hour after with shadow pain and praying, it makes days like today better. I have something to look forward to aside sitting around tired and worried about the next attack. Despite last nights horror and terror. I do feel blessed. I feel bad my wife was up and has to work today. And I apologise profusely to her and him I kept them up. But today is a new day. Despite my life being Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day I must move forward, persevere and find some joy before my next attack. I have no choice. I pray for other survivors out there they find whatever joy and peace they can find in their day. I find joy in seeing my beautiful wife when she comes home from work. Simple things like that, spending time with my son is my joy.  Simple but true.


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