Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Feeling better but not holding my breath.

Today, I am feeling better but not holding my breath. This past week I actually been feeling better.
No my attacks have no stopped. And yes I will continue to get more. Michael J Fox's analogy of "standing in the middle of the road in cement shoes waiting for the bus to hit me is going to happen. I just don't know when or how hard". That is just the truth of the fact of us who have cluster headaches.

 So for days like this I take full advantage of feeling a bit better. I try to do as much in a day as I possibly can before my next hit. Now when I say I feel better, all I am really saying is that I don't feel the exhaustion, and the fatigue I normally do. In fact I feel motivated to do things and not sit still so to speak. It reminds me of my life how I was before I was sick and how I took life for granted.

I guess I would say I am one of the fortunate ones who have fire in his pants because my whole life I been hyper. Can't sit still. I love being this way because I am the least laziest person I know. I get quite upset with myself the days/months/years I am down and out and do nothing. And heating a pizza in the oven is shear desperation to eat because the exhaustion is so bad eating will take all my strength after fighting severe attacks. Anyone with Chronic CH knows where I am coming from.

I do count my blessings, there is no way in heck I could work. Who the heck would hire me knowing I can only work when I feel OK and have to leave at first onset of an attack or take time off because I am wiped out???  Hours like now I woke up after a decent sleep(very rare) and feel refreshed and ready for the day are rare. I will do what I can today before the big one comes. Yes its like a ticking time bomb, I never know when and where or how bad its going to be. Even when I get the aura and feel one coming. That 1st 20 minutes i have no clue. I just hang on and see what happens. If I am stressed most likely worse than usual. Its inevitable. Life with Cluster Headaches is debilitating. Not only during the attack but my life after the attack.  I get mad at the disease from what it takes away from me. Its not that I don't have the will. Its there for sure. I want to do this and that....but my body says Oh NO, not going to happen.

So for a day or hours like this. I take full advantage that I will feel normal. Until the hours or minutes or seconds until my next attack.

I think Ill go tell my son how much I love and appreciate him and how proud I am of him and go kiss my beautiful wife. Because there are more times to count than when I can't.


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