Humility

Humility is a word I came to know in between my first attack July 25,2005 and sometime in between now.
Humility to me is not only acknowledging I am sick, but being able to freely express my disease to friends, family, and the world with this blog and my videos on YouTube.
Humility for me was knowing I couldn't work any longer and had to accept the fact I am now on disability.
Humility to me was accepting the disease and not being afraid to have an attack in public because vanity went out the window a long time ago.
Humility is being able to write this blog, share my videos and help others with words of encouragement, kindness and compassion for others whom are sick as well.
Humility is something that I am learning each day as I grow as a person.vAnd I have allot more to learn.
Humility is not giving up. Humility is not asking for a hand when in fact most of us that are sick rather try ourselves ad be told to take a step back vs taking a hand. We ask we try ourselves.
I spoke of this in another blog stating "Can't"is not in my vocabulary and failure is only an option when trying. You can not fail if you don't try. I have fallen flat on my face many times in life because I tried. Its better than being a woulda shoulda coulda.  I make mistakes everyday. Acknowledging them, accepting responsibility and accountability is key to humility. Not humiliation. this
We the sick would rather try  then have someone do it for us. It hurts us more to be thought of as useless than use full. The hardest part for me in last 7 years was the humility of going on disability, that this was my destiny. That god wanted me to help others. That as much as I loved going to work everyday it was a loosing battle for me. Taking a mans ability to work everyday really does a number on someone who loves getting up early everyday and looking forward to the work day and earning an honest dollar for honest days work. That was a really hard pill to swallow for me.
When Disability (Government)called me up and asked why am I now unable to work now vs before. Well, I am not young gun anymore. Its to hard to fight every hour of my life. I am older now. I can no longer hide it like I used to. Fatigue has gotten the best of me on my best days and stress makes the disease far worse. I am no longer able to be of use to anyone let alone myself. And that was gods honest truth.
I been publicly humiliated for my life(being disabled). Its just head space I can kick out and invite humility in to live.Moving forward, remaining positive is what drives me
For years my family begged me to go on disability. Like most who are sick, strong like bull dumb like ox we want to work, try out best and continue to try, and be as normal as we can. There comes a point, well it did for me. I couldn't fight like I used to. 4 Brain Surgeries wiped me out. Now having an electrode/neurostimulator in my brain with wires going to my chest with a pacemaker in there is large foreign objects in my body. Life for me changed forever. Not saying its negative. The premise behind surgeries was to get relief but sadly nothing yet. Without positive will,my faith in god, strong loving wife and son, I would have given up and said "Cheque please". But acknowledging humility is just a small but positive step in the right direction of moving forward with the disease.
I could remotely care or less if people look down on me for being sick, being on disability and being home. The people saying , thinking, acting on this are far worse than me.
I get emails almost everyday from disabled people like me. Survivors. That makes the videos, this blog all worth it. Humility has Humbled me.

God bless
.