In the end of April 2019, I was planning my suicide. I was 8-12 hours away. I am sorry if this upsets you, or your thoughts of me wanting to die thinking I am a coward for wanting to cash out, or you simply just understood the severity of my life.
I don't want to write how bad my life was. Because
it was. Maybe you think you could have handled it. After 15 years it would take a toll on anyone. I wasn't depressed. I still wanted to live, I still wanted to do things in life. But I completely lost all hope. There was nothing left in me anymore.I couldn't do it anymore.
My wife and I had been helping the homeless for 5 years, and giving out "HOPE bags" (consisting of socks, gloves, toque, band aids, peanut free granola bar, water, personal wipes, a $7 Tim Horton's gift card with hand written card of encouragement, tooth brush and tooth paste, and personal hygiene for women). Even handing these bags out and offering hope to these less fortunate people. I was selling HOPE but had no idea at the time I had lost all of mine.
It started September 2018. I had gone to the pain clinic here in London. I waited 1 year for this appointment. It would have been much longer had I not checked because my appointment was forgotten about. Yes, the Dr, forgot to send in my referral a year ago. I kept calling every 6 months and inquired where I was in the waiting list. I was told just wait. At the year mark, I finally asked of they had my referral and they said sorry, we forgot. After complaining I got in. I had such great hope of at least getting a diagnosis, or perhaps cut me open and find out about this 4th un-diagnosable headache I have that causes me to be 100% bedridden without medication. Unfortunately the medication will cut my life short because of the medication. Its not a narcotic. I do not take narcotics for headaches because they don't help. I been offered everything to fentanyl. Which I turned down. Because of turning it down at another doctors office I was told I must not be in that much pain then. Which was not the case. The amount of people dying from that is terrible. I am smart enough to see what it does to people. Who knows, it may have helped. But what happens one day when they say I can't have it anymore, or I become addicted to it? No thanks I have enough health problems.
This appointment was the last straw. Meaning I had completely and utterly exhausted every medical avenue for this head pain that I am in 24./7. It started over 4 years ago. Just woke up one day throwing up with the feeling of someone pushing my head down as I try to stand up. It makes you vomit, and be bed ridden. The pain is not severe like a Suicide Headache or Migraine. It makes your entire body want to dig its own grave and jump in. It doesn't stop. EVER. Unlike a cluster headache that lasts 3 hours or less, a migraine I've had for weeks or less. Tensions are only hours. This is 24/7. No remission. EVER.
I've had numerous x rays, several cat scans with and without fluid. A MRI, Seen GP's to neurosurgeons and finally a physiatrist (Fiz-Zi-A-Trist). The medical team said " I am sorry, sometimes we just do not know, ad the risk of going in there could leave you in a wheel chair". I was gladly willing to try. Even if it left me in a chair. and the last statement they told me was " The medication you are on WILL END YOUR LIFE QUICKLY, if you continue to stay on it". Wonderful. Well, I said I would rather live 5 years out of bed than 30 in it crawling on the floor to use the washroom. Then I left in tears. Between that appointment and April when Mike Smith saved my life. I had enough and had ballooned to 350 lbs. My pain got worse every single day by at least 1%. Imagine everyday for years your life gets worse everyday by 1%. Day after day, month after month, year after year. It really takes a toll on a humans well being. Mentally and physically. In no way shape or form was I depressed. I still loved life, I still wanted to do more in life. Help more homeless. But I couldn't do it anymore. I even stopped vlogging. I couldn't help people stay positive when I wanted to die myself.
This, I admit is the shit part of of this blog. I have to write it because its very important.
Isolation. Do you know what that means? Has it every happened to you? I don't mean you haven't heard from someone in a week or so. I am talking years. One day I went through my facebook account. I took a long look at the 350 + people who were on it. Who is in town, who lived far away. Who I would hear from online or by phone or in person. The car club I was belonged to. People I have known 30 years. I looked at my phone which keeps a record of texts, calls and emails. and hmmmmmm it had been 2.5 YEARS since I heard from 99% of them. Sad isn't it? I also made sure before deleting FAKEBOOK friends that I was the last person to reach out to them. Sad.
I had deleted these people over a year ago.(not one of them knew or asked why they were deleted-NO ONE) The minute I am on TV because of Mike, the facebook requests poured in. With messages ...."Can you tell Mike this, can you get me an autograph, etc".
Classic fake ass friends. Fairweather friends. Only using me. Or wanting something. My wife was like where the fuck they been the last 2.5 years or even before that? Yet if they seem me in public I must be fine and healthy. Yet did they only know that seeing me at the store getting bread and milk was my entire day. I understand, healthy people don't get it and just assume. I had already lost people because they felt it was "Just a headache, and I should just take a Tylenol" and quite my whining. Only when I had brain surgery did some actually say" Maybe it is that bad". LMFAO!!!!
Now, I know you are thinking this is a pretty negative but I am positive many who are sick face isolation. Isolation sucks ass. Being sick is one thing. Being alone is another. Which is why I am so grateful for my wife, dog and dad being in my life. Sending 1 email per year ONLY when I am on TV acknowledging our efforts for helping the homeless isn't friendship. Id like to point out that two of my buddies here who did visit me are sick them self with pain. So they get it, they visited. They actually gave a fuck. And for that I am very grateful. I'd rather have 1 real friend than a bunch of fake friends. At home I would see online they would drive 5 hours to stand in someones garage to look at car parts rather than drive across town and see if I am alive. It is ok. I get it. I know what their priorities are.
So, April 2019 my life changed forever. If you have read the last few blogs you know that Mike Smith saved my life. He caught and stopped me from making me have any chance of my life getting better. Had I committed suicide. I would not have had he last 23 weeks of my life get better. Thanks to Dr.Calapai in NYC for Stem Cell.
This man who films a fucking TV show, has a beautiful family. Wife, 2 kids, immediate family. close friends, several companies, travels the globe, stopped what he was doing to not only save my life but send me for treatment, and invite my wife and I into their lives with open arms. So not for a second to I believe my old friends didn't have time for me.They simply didn't make time or cared. Yet Mike, the busiest human I know to this very day takes time to talk to me.
Honestly. In April 2019 before Mike reached out to me....not in a million years did I think for a nano second that ANY of this could possibly happen to me.
Put yourself in my position. Having the worlds most painful disease, a suicide attempt in Dec 2008. Then 4 brain surgeries. Getting far sicker than I ever could imagine. Then hours from suicide a huge celebrity saves my life, sends me to NYC for stem cell therapy, then I fly to Halifax, spend the entire week with Mike and family. And decide within 24 hours we are moving to Nova Scotia for good. Then becoming friends with so many kind and loving people there.
Seeing the studio where they film, hanging out with celebrities to better health. OMG. It is crazy to think 23 weeks ago I was going to hang myself in the garage. Now, the house is for sale, we are going to a place that makes us feel so loved, so welcome, so beautiful and so at peace. It is crazy. And fucking incredible how life has changed for the better.
Let me set the record straight. I could care or less what Mike or any of my friends do for a living. Yes I am a fan 100% and will remain a fan but these people are my friends/family. My loyalty to them is just that. I have told Mike and would give that man a kidney, take a bullet for him. I have never loved another man in my life. Ever. And I love Mike with all my heart. It has NOTHING to do with what he does or has done or who he knows. I am not star struck by his friends. They are just people. Good people. I don't ask for autographs, or pictures. I am just happy to have friends who care deeply for me visa versa. It is actually nice for a change to have people want you in their lives and not want something from you. Genuine as they get.
Since August. I have flown back to Halifax to scope out some houses and find our forever home. While I was there I got to break bread with many of my family there. Life is so different there. The people are inviting, warm, genuine and very positive. We have never felt so welcome anywhere. The landscape is absolutely beautiful. I try to explain it to Ontarion's and say its like Muskoka (cottage country for the rich) but 1/3rd the price. Lakes everywhere, a population the same size as London but spread out across hours of driving. I t will take a long time to get used to. New city, new and very very different roads, Finding a new doctor, new drivers license. We are starting 100% over. Everything will be new. So anyone who has moved across country ad started over will know. The move isn't the hard part. Waiting to be there is. Waiting to sell the house, solidifying employment for my wife. Buying a house there. Its a huge journey. This took less than 24 hours in Halifax for us to decide in August this is where we need to be. Where we want to be. Where our hearts are.
People go on trips and think, "oh it would be nice to live here" and nothing happens. Because of employment or its another country. We went to Dartmouth and instantly felt we could live there and have a life there. it also helped that we made friends there to help us find a doctor, a place to live, etc. The friend ships we have made will be life long friends. It truly is a beautiful place to live. We would rather fail at trying to be happy than miserable here being successful. This view never gets old.
People go out west (BC) to find themselves, People who move to the Maritimes have already found themselves. Nova Scotia reminds me alot of BC where I was born. I would love to live in BC but the cost of living would leave me homeless. Whereas Nova Scotia housing is cheaper for more. And their winters are not as bad as many think. New Brunswick and Newfoundland get the worst of winter. Halifax doesn't generally get snow that sticks until end of December and in May its gone. Same as here. Summers are beautiful. I am at an age where 30c isn't fun anymore. A nice 23-25c is all I need.
At some point I think Id like a Jet Ski. My interest in cars is zero. I simply don't care anymore like I used to. I used to be so heavily involved in the car scene. Now, I just simply don't care. Maybe one day it would be nice to have another neat car. But we just want to get moved out there and start exploring Nova Scotia. So much to see and do. I am 47 years old now. Ill be almost 50 once we are all set in the new house. I had 15 years of my life stolen from me. The next 15 years of my life are going to be my choice how to live. With people who care I am alive. With people who wish me well, call me, text me, visit me, and don't give a fuck that I am sick. I am just Tom to them and that is all I ever needed. I don't want special treatment from anyone for any reason. Just all I ever asked for was understanding when I had a bad day.
So here I am on Tuesday this week. Having dinner with some people who happen to be super famous. I could have cared or less what their job titles are. Or what they have done in their career. But it hit me sitting there. I was sitting at a dinner table with 3 friends. While others stared, I sat there in total disbelief that my life went from how I was going to tie a rope around my neck, to sitting with people who cared I am alive and having a much better quality of life. For that I am eternally grateful. I could care or less that they are famous. Just friends to me. That is all I ever wanted. Sometimes, it is all someones needs. A little compassion, some laughter, a good meal.and some amazing friends. Never in a million years did I think any of this could happen to me. I don't give a fuck they are famous. They are just people. But the moral of this blog is to show you how shitty life can be to how amazing life can get by never giving up hope.
Your life can change for the better. Never give up hope. I understand my story is an anomaly. My life has been just that. My case is extremely rare. But I have purpose in life. My life has meaning. My life with my wife has a future now. It is no longer just trying to make it to midnight. It is future plans of doing the Cabot Trail, hiking, campfire with family. It is a better quality of life. Isn't that what everyone wants? Do not give up hope. Your life can change in a nano second for the better. Your mind can be blown like mine! Just do not give up.
I don't want to write how bad my life was. Because
it was. Maybe you think you could have handled it. After 15 years it would take a toll on anyone. I wasn't depressed. I still wanted to live, I still wanted to do things in life. But I completely lost all hope. There was nothing left in me anymore.I couldn't do it anymore.
My wife and I had been helping the homeless for 5 years, and giving out "HOPE bags" (consisting of socks, gloves, toque, band aids, peanut free granola bar, water, personal wipes, a $7 Tim Horton's gift card with hand written card of encouragement, tooth brush and tooth paste, and personal hygiene for women). Even handing these bags out and offering hope to these less fortunate people. I was selling HOPE but had no idea at the time I had lost all of mine.
It started September 2018. I had gone to the pain clinic here in London. I waited 1 year for this appointment. It would have been much longer had I not checked because my appointment was forgotten about. Yes, the Dr, forgot to send in my referral a year ago. I kept calling every 6 months and inquired where I was in the waiting list. I was told just wait. At the year mark, I finally asked of they had my referral and they said sorry, we forgot. After complaining I got in. I had such great hope of at least getting a diagnosis, or perhaps cut me open and find out about this 4th un-diagnosable headache I have that causes me to be 100% bedridden without medication. Unfortunately the medication will cut my life short because of the medication. Its not a narcotic. I do not take narcotics for headaches because they don't help. I been offered everything to fentanyl. Which I turned down. Because of turning it down at another doctors office I was told I must not be in that much pain then. Which was not the case. The amount of people dying from that is terrible. I am smart enough to see what it does to people. Who knows, it may have helped. But what happens one day when they say I can't have it anymore, or I become addicted to it? No thanks I have enough health problems.
This appointment was the last straw. Meaning I had completely and utterly exhausted every medical avenue for this head pain that I am in 24./7. It started over 4 years ago. Just woke up one day throwing up with the feeling of someone pushing my head down as I try to stand up. It makes you vomit, and be bed ridden. The pain is not severe like a Suicide Headache or Migraine. It makes your entire body want to dig its own grave and jump in. It doesn't stop. EVER. Unlike a cluster headache that lasts 3 hours or less, a migraine I've had for weeks or less. Tensions are only hours. This is 24/7. No remission. EVER.
I've had numerous x rays, several cat scans with and without fluid. A MRI, Seen GP's to neurosurgeons and finally a physiatrist (Fiz-Zi-A-Trist). The medical team said " I am sorry, sometimes we just do not know, ad the risk of going in there could leave you in a wheel chair". I was gladly willing to try. Even if it left me in a chair. and the last statement they told me was " The medication you are on WILL END YOUR LIFE QUICKLY, if you continue to stay on it". Wonderful. Well, I said I would rather live 5 years out of bed than 30 in it crawling on the floor to use the washroom. Then I left in tears. Between that appointment and April when Mike Smith saved my life. I had enough and had ballooned to 350 lbs. My pain got worse every single day by at least 1%. Imagine everyday for years your life gets worse everyday by 1%. Day after day, month after month, year after year. It really takes a toll on a humans well being. Mentally and physically. In no way shape or form was I depressed. I still loved life, I still wanted to do more in life. Help more homeless. But I couldn't do it anymore. I even stopped vlogging. I couldn't help people stay positive when I wanted to die myself.
This, I admit is the shit part of of this blog. I have to write it because its very important.
Isolation. Do you know what that means? Has it every happened to you? I don't mean you haven't heard from someone in a week or so. I am talking years. One day I went through my facebook account. I took a long look at the 350 + people who were on it. Who is in town, who lived far away. Who I would hear from online or by phone or in person. The car club I was belonged to. People I have known 30 years. I looked at my phone which keeps a record of texts, calls and emails. and hmmmmmm it had been 2.5 YEARS since I heard from 99% of them. Sad isn't it? I also made sure before deleting FAKEBOOK friends that I was the last person to reach out to them. Sad.
I had deleted these people over a year ago.(not one of them knew or asked why they were deleted-NO ONE) The minute I am on TV because of Mike, the facebook requests poured in. With messages ...."Can you tell Mike this, can you get me an autograph, etc".
Classic fake ass friends. Fairweather friends. Only using me. Or wanting something. My wife was like where the fuck they been the last 2.5 years or even before that? Yet if they seem me in public I must be fine and healthy. Yet did they only know that seeing me at the store getting bread and milk was my entire day. I understand, healthy people don't get it and just assume. I had already lost people because they felt it was "Just a headache, and I should just take a Tylenol" and quite my whining. Only when I had brain surgery did some actually say" Maybe it is that bad". LMFAO!!!!
Now, I know you are thinking this is a pretty negative but I am positive many who are sick face isolation. Isolation sucks ass. Being sick is one thing. Being alone is another. Which is why I am so grateful for my wife, dog and dad being in my life. Sending 1 email per year ONLY when I am on TV acknowledging our efforts for helping the homeless isn't friendship. Id like to point out that two of my buddies here who did visit me are sick them self with pain. So they get it, they visited. They actually gave a fuck. And for that I am very grateful. I'd rather have 1 real friend than a bunch of fake friends. At home I would see online they would drive 5 hours to stand in someones garage to look at car parts rather than drive across town and see if I am alive. It is ok. I get it. I know what their priorities are.
So, April 2019 my life changed forever. If you have read the last few blogs you know that Mike Smith saved my life. He caught and stopped me from making me have any chance of my life getting better. Had I committed suicide. I would not have had he last 23 weeks of my life get better. Thanks to Dr.Calapai in NYC for Stem Cell.
This man who films a fucking TV show, has a beautiful family. Wife, 2 kids, immediate family. close friends, several companies, travels the globe, stopped what he was doing to not only save my life but send me for treatment, and invite my wife and I into their lives with open arms. So not for a second to I believe my old friends didn't have time for me.They simply didn't make time or cared. Yet Mike, the busiest human I know to this very day takes time to talk to me.
Honestly. In April 2019 before Mike reached out to me....not in a million years did I think for a nano second that ANY of this could possibly happen to me.
Put yourself in my position. Having the worlds most painful disease, a suicide attempt in Dec 2008. Then 4 brain surgeries. Getting far sicker than I ever could imagine. Then hours from suicide a huge celebrity saves my life, sends me to NYC for stem cell therapy, then I fly to Halifax, spend the entire week with Mike and family. And decide within 24 hours we are moving to Nova Scotia for good. Then becoming friends with so many kind and loving people there.
Seeing the studio where they film, hanging out with celebrities to better health. OMG. It is crazy to think 23 weeks ago I was going to hang myself in the garage. Now, the house is for sale, we are going to a place that makes us feel so loved, so welcome, so beautiful and so at peace. It is crazy. And fucking incredible how life has changed for the better.
Let me set the record straight. I could care or less what Mike or any of my friends do for a living. Yes I am a fan 100% and will remain a fan but these people are my friends/family. My loyalty to them is just that. I have told Mike and would give that man a kidney, take a bullet for him. I have never loved another man in my life. Ever. And I love Mike with all my heart. It has NOTHING to do with what he does or has done or who he knows. I am not star struck by his friends. They are just people. Good people. I don't ask for autographs, or pictures. I am just happy to have friends who care deeply for me visa versa. It is actually nice for a change to have people want you in their lives and not want something from you. Genuine as they get.
Since August. I have flown back to Halifax to scope out some houses and find our forever home. While I was there I got to break bread with many of my family there. Life is so different there. The people are inviting, warm, genuine and very positive. We have never felt so welcome anywhere. The landscape is absolutely beautiful. I try to explain it to Ontarion's and say its like Muskoka (cottage country for the rich) but 1/3rd the price. Lakes everywhere, a population the same size as London but spread out across hours of driving. I t will take a long time to get used to. New city, new and very very different roads, Finding a new doctor, new drivers license. We are starting 100% over. Everything will be new. So anyone who has moved across country ad started over will know. The move isn't the hard part. Waiting to be there is. Waiting to sell the house, solidifying employment for my wife. Buying a house there. Its a huge journey. This took less than 24 hours in Halifax for us to decide in August this is where we need to be. Where we want to be. Where our hearts are.
People go on trips and think, "oh it would be nice to live here" and nothing happens. Because of employment or its another country. We went to Dartmouth and instantly felt we could live there and have a life there. it also helped that we made friends there to help us find a doctor, a place to live, etc. The friend ships we have made will be life long friends. It truly is a beautiful place to live. We would rather fail at trying to be happy than miserable here being successful. This view never gets old.
People go out west (BC) to find themselves, People who move to the Maritimes have already found themselves. Nova Scotia reminds me alot of BC where I was born. I would love to live in BC but the cost of living would leave me homeless. Whereas Nova Scotia housing is cheaper for more. And their winters are not as bad as many think. New Brunswick and Newfoundland get the worst of winter. Halifax doesn't generally get snow that sticks until end of December and in May its gone. Same as here. Summers are beautiful. I am at an age where 30c isn't fun anymore. A nice 23-25c is all I need.
At some point I think Id like a Jet Ski. My interest in cars is zero. I simply don't care anymore like I used to. I used to be so heavily involved in the car scene. Now, I just simply don't care. Maybe one day it would be nice to have another neat car. But we just want to get moved out there and start exploring Nova Scotia. So much to see and do. I am 47 years old now. Ill be almost 50 once we are all set in the new house. I had 15 years of my life stolen from me. The next 15 years of my life are going to be my choice how to live. With people who care I am alive. With people who wish me well, call me, text me, visit me, and don't give a fuck that I am sick. I am just Tom to them and that is all I ever needed. I don't want special treatment from anyone for any reason. Just all I ever asked for was understanding when I had a bad day.
So here I am on Tuesday this week. Having dinner with some people who happen to be super famous. I could have cared or less what their job titles are. Or what they have done in their career. But it hit me sitting there. I was sitting at a dinner table with 3 friends. While others stared, I sat there in total disbelief that my life went from how I was going to tie a rope around my neck, to sitting with people who cared I am alive and having a much better quality of life. For that I am eternally grateful. I could care or less that they are famous. Just friends to me. That is all I ever wanted. Sometimes, it is all someones needs. A little compassion, some laughter, a good meal.and some amazing friends. Never in a million years did I think any of this could happen to me. I don't give a fuck they are famous. They are just people. But the moral of this blog is to show you how shitty life can be to how amazing life can get by never giving up hope.
Your life can change for the better. Never give up hope. I understand my story is an anomaly. My life has been just that. My case is extremely rare. But I have purpose in life. My life has meaning. My life with my wife has a future now. It is no longer just trying to make it to midnight. It is future plans of doing the Cabot Trail, hiking, campfire with family. It is a better quality of life. Isn't that what everyone wants? Do not give up hope. Your life can change in a nano second for the better. Your mind can be blown like mine! Just do not give up.
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