I really wanna know why?
I grew up like most kids in the early 70s and 80s. We never went without. We rode our bikes, made forts, played marbles, played outside and was what most Canadian kids who never knew sickness or disease. We were normal.
I had wondered my entire existence what my purpose was. Being a gear head I always thought it had something to do with cars.
Even in my adulthood. Yes with responsibilities, a wife, a kid....I still wondered. I knew something was special about me. Not in a narccicistic way of oh look at me what I can do...It was something I knew deep down inside me was there. I guess I knew it my whole life. I knew there was something special about me. I just didn't know what.
Most of the friends I had were doing well Off to College/University. Got jobs, started families and lived life. And as boring and mundane my life was or average. I knew something was inside of me.'
July 25,2005 It happened. I got sick that day and my life forever changed. Sadly not for the better.
Even when I first got sick. I still wondered what my purpose was. When I first got sick. I had no clue what I was in for. But my hope in finding out what my purpose was. I knew it wasn't suffering tremendously everyday of my life. I felt that now I was sick any hope of me having real purpose was gone and trying to stay alive was my first priority.
Up until that point I felt I had a pretty fair life up to the day I got sick. I had gone to school and completed studies to be a productive member of society. I had a marriage, I had a son. I felt like I was just another Canadian going to work, paying taxes, contributing my mere existence like SHEEOPLE. And I was ok with that but I knew deep down something was in me....I never knew it had to come with the price I am paying.
Yes, I am punished for a crime I never committed.
I am a man of faith. I believe we are created. And that God has a plan for me. Whether you believe in God or not. Even atheist know they have goals and dreams of accomplishing on their own. Foreseeable future. Its human nature to hope and pray for the best right? I am not here to argue symantics about having faith or not. I am explaining that this is what I know in my heart. I was hoping for a break in life that would allow me to see what my purpose was. I never knew until I got sick sadly. I learned my purpose in life was to help others.
But Why? Why me? Why did people in my province/country who grew up just like me. Son of landed immigrants in the 60s who came with literally nothing. Grew up blue collar home. Some kids I knew grew up and became extremely successful in their careers. Some stayed and had families, some moved, some got super famous and rich and others passed away. Why. Why the fuck does this happen. I seen absolute dick head cowards get far ahead in life and never have a simple headache or ache or pain. Why is it evil people do well and those with nothing are the first to help others?
Why do some people treat others like absolute garbage yet keep advancing in life? Why did some of us get rich and famous while others just got sick or died? WHY? Why is life like this?
The very first thing I do is look in the mirror, point to myself, ask myself what am I responsible for and try to make changes to be a better human being. Unlike some who consistently blame others for their failures, I own mine to improve my life. I want to be a better person than I was yesterday.
I see people stay the exact same. And it is reflective of their choices. Getting sick wasn't my choice. But it is my choice how I choose to live sick. It is my choice to be the best version of myself I can everyday.
The only thing that irritates me is seeing healthy people who have perfect health either waste it by destroying their bodies with drugs, alcohol, abusive behavior towards them self.And just being a coward. When I could give anything to have what they have....health. But those evil people will face their consequences. And for that....Id rather be sick me than healthy you.
I personally could care or less about money. I never have. its meaningless to me. If I had millions. I would spend every cent if I knew I could get better. I miss working more than anything. But I have spent the last 10 years of my life helping others, creating awareness and advocating for those who can't. That was my purpose. I still ask myself why did I get sick. Why me? Why this disease? Why am I sicker now than I was before this happened? Why are others who are evil and healthy? Why is there no more medical help for me.
Instead of trying to answer all these Q's that may be the same as yours. I chose to focus on being better, helping people and enjoying what time I have on this earth with the people I love. I do not waste energy on those who don't care about me. Don't visit or don't call. I have moved on and I am going to enjoy the life I have left. We are remembered for how we treated others, what we did for others, helping others. Not what we had. I no longer ask why.