Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Dedication to those who help with us.

Those left behind from suicide often leave devastating effects on loved ones. Family members often question why or what they could have done further. Some didn't know. Some didn't see it coming or believe it was that bad.

I have seen what suicide causes.

I have seen first hand how a family member, a parent, sibling, a spouse lives with such horror. Its absolutely awful. 

I too, wanted to end my life. I often asked myself back then what was better. A sick dad or a son without a dad? I did consider how much it would have hurt my family. Sure I did. But the pain mentally and physically I was dealing with far outweighed wanting to live anymore.

I know the bible and some faiths teach that committing suicide is a sin. I also felt I was living in hell so it couldn't be any worse than the torture I was dealing with.

When the news of Robin Williams death hit the news. The world asked why would a man who had everything commit suicide? Well, everything isn't life.  A big ass house, a fat wallet, cars, trips, isn't everything.  Turns out Robin was quite sick and his suicide was health related that can only be detected after ones death. He was sick. 

I have personal friends in my life whom have had loved ones take their life. I see how devastating this has been on them. Asking why? How could we have helped? Could we have prevented them? Some people get really depressed (rightfully so). Some move on, Some become advocates. And try to prevent and help other families grieve or raise awareness. It is a personal process. Not to be judged.

Having Chronic Cluster Headaches and Chronic Migraines I belong to a small community world wide. Sadly with a heavy heart we loose one in our community. We loose what I call a "Family Member". They may not be blood, but they are family amongst us. The care and support I see online, in person is second to none. Even more compassion than most hospitals. (not faulting health care). I read online on forums, Facebook, twitter and other forms of social media how much absolute complete strangers who have never met will call someone, send a get well card, visit, and do things for no reason, no acclamation. They just do it. Strangers have done more than friends we knew our whole lives sadly.

This disease has robbed us of so much more than just the disease itself. Relationships, careers, friends, our homes, our financial futures and mental health. 

It can be so overwhelming, so devastating to be told you are faking it, get over yourself, quite your whining its just a headache, it can't be that bad, take a pill and chillax, my mother has those, my back hurts more than your headache, you always cancel or arrive late, you are such a complainer, you are a hypochondriac, and so on. All these things we have all heard. It hurts. 

Isolation hurts. Being ignored hurts. Not having phone calls, visits, texts, emails, or whatever hurts.
These are emotional scars that go way past the attack itself. While we are fatigued. Worn out. Battling another attack after attack. Waking up all hours of the day. Sitting in the dark praying it will end. We just want to be normal like the rest of the world. 

I learned the hard way. When I was suicidal I reached out to my so called fake friends and explained how it was so bad. How nothing I tried worked for the pain. How I couldn't work any longer because of it and sorry I can't keep up with the Jones anymore. Know what I got told?"You didn't have to quite your job over a headache! Quite your whining you are broke".  Little did he know, his lack of judgement, common sense. Those words from someone I knew 25 years was just another nail in the coffin for me wanting to die. Now, looking back. He is just an ignorant coward. And it didn't stop there either. 

People have to understand how detrimental there words, and actions or lack of can be to another human being. I was laying in the hospital bed recovering from my 3rd of 4th brain surgeries. I felt like a truck ran over my body. I was laying there in and out of it. It was also my 40th birthday. Yup, the big 4-0. So I roll over and see my wife crying. " Whats wrong babe?" Nothing she says."Babe, why are you crying? Is it the staples in my head?" No, she says." Is it the stitches in my chest?" No, she says. " Sweety, is it that I am sick? That there is no cure?"No, she says..." Then why are you crying?" Where is your friends? she says..... No visit, no birthday card, no get well card, no text, no email, no hey can you tell Tom I wish him well. Nothing. Zero. Not even for weeks now years later. Nothing. Looking back. They are just cowards. I have forgiven them for myself. Not them. But it was hard to deal with aside from being banged up from all those surgeries and all the health issues that came along with surgeries. PTSD the main issue.Having anxiety, being recluse. It took me years to get out again. Make new friends. Trust again. It was hard. Very very hard. And people have no filter. People do not think before they speak. I have been insulted many times at my weight gain. Assuming it was my fault I got overweight. Fat jokes, the snickers, the snears. Talking behind my back. I get it. I have a mirror. I know what I used to look like. I know what I look like now. Being called "Big Guy" I do not appreciate. 

Throughout all of this. I have learned to get back up. Fall 7x and get back up 8. This past year was the worst in my life. Problems with my son, my dog dying. My mom dying. Just all these things life has thrown at me while dealing with my own disease.

Despite all the negativity that has come my way. The douche bag cowards who are still cowards, there is those who have come in my life to give me hope in humanity. Those who go out of their way to help others while battling their own fight. Whether they are a survivor of a disease like me or one of those left  behind to those who lost their fight. These people are very special. Have come into our life for a bountiful reason. To brighten our day. To give meaning to what we do. To inspire, to prevent, to give hope to those who are struggling and ask nothing in return. These people, these survivors deserve so much praise and acclamation for being the kindred souls they are. For they have bared so much themselves. Given all they have to give to others.

I know I have said our spouses are our Unsung Hero's and they are. They really are. They see first hand with is suffering day in and day out. They stick it out, they do not run away. They comfort us when we need them and appreciate our good days just the same when we feel normal. 

I have said in the past. Finding one's purpose is life. And giving it away is your purpose. Today, I dedicate this blog to those who give relentlessly. Those who are not cowards. Those who have given their time to be there for one another, give their life to helping those in need. Those who give to give. Today I dedicate this blog to them. Thank you for all you do. The world is a better place because of you. You too are the UNSUNG HERO's.


  1. Both a gentle and a top of the lungs "Amen" to you on what you so elegantly express here............Having clusters has made me a more accepting person and less there has been some good to have come out of being one of the "lucky" wishes.....

  2. I am also a chronic migraine sufferer and let me tell you this made me feel like it's not my fault I have to cancel all the time and I can't function well the people I have online help me so much thank you sweet friend God bless you

  3. I am also a chronic migraine sufferer and let me tell you this made me feel like it's not my fault I have to cancel all the time and I can't function well the people I have online help me so much thank you sweet friend God bless you