This is becoming a monthly notification for me and others. It is with great sadness, heavy hearts we lost one of our own.
Yes, one of our own. Cluster Heads as we call one another is a universal term of endearment. Since globally we are 0.01% of the population, we are a small minute group of people generally knowing a lot of each other.
We are a unified support group amongst each other that encourages, supports, educates, and helps one another for the greater goodness of each others help. We disagree to disagree, we offer help when sometimes the only person needs an ear but generally we mean nothing but well wishes for one another. With this being said, some of us come to our darkness. Some come to a pain and a deep dark black hole that unfortunately some struggle to get out. And yet some do not. I write this blog today in memory of Scott Meyer, Melissa Dwyer and many others who have taken their life. NONE of them have passed in vein.
For me, it was December 2008, I was planning my own suicide. Not telling a soul what i was up to because after numerous attempts reaching out to friends that told me "It couldn't' be that bad, or You do not have to quit your job because of headaches". Little did they know there sarcastic ignorant comments was only adding a bullet to the chamber. Little did they know I was planning to die. I prayed daily to god asking him what was better for my son. A son without a dad or a son with a sick dad. Because of my faith and love for my son I chose the later and am here today. Little did I know how much my life has changed. Sadly these people will never know. Because suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This past June-July was the worst of my "Cluster Career". I am alive because in July I was in a different frame of mind than Dec of 2008. This time I had the tools of knowledge, support and love of other cluster heads.
Suicide is such an unspoken subject that people are so darn afraid to speak of. Whether its the parent or sibling or friend. I say we must discuss it. Having worked in health care I learned a vast majority that want to die, do it and not tell anyone and are committed to do so. Other who say they are going to, for the most part are seeking attention. Both not always being the case but generally it is what I have seen in my life time.
I wish the stigmatism would stop. I wish others would just stop "assuming" we are depressed or that is the main cause. Yes, some of us are or can be depressed but that could be entirely because of CH. Whether they have taken their own life during an attack or thought there was no life after the attacks, it doesn't matter. They took their own life because the demon inside them felt there was no joy in life. Either in the past, present or future. No one truly understands why people commit suicide successfully. Pain changes people.
The moral aspect of Suicide has its own stigmatism of being a coward.Which is 100% Horseshit. If you have not experienced a cluster headache you haven't a remote clue of what pain is. No human being can compare cluster headaches unless they have had them. Yet ask cluster heads who have had broken bones, torn ligaments,surgeries, (me), child birth,gun shot wounds, stab wounds, cancer and so on those cluster heads will attest to the fact CH is far more painful.. Yes Cluster Heads have had these things happen and can say that cluster headaches are far superior in pain to anything they have ever experienced. Therefore calling a cluster head a coward for taking his own life is ridiculous. Give the person the respect and dignity they deserve that as long as they had cluster headaches they endured pain no human should. Torture beyond any means. And now they are finally resting in peace. Give them the dignity they deserve.
The religious aspect, as a Christian I do know what the bible teaches us. I know the bible teaches us it is a sin to commit suicide. As a christian with my own free will and opinion I truly believe my creator is the one to make the decision to the person why they committed suicide. This is Gods decision. This is God to decide, not you. Before some religious people disagree, you are not god. So do not be the gatekeeper. Its not your job. Its our job as Christians to forgive. Love one another and give grace. I get quite irritated and the high and mighty that profess to be God. We all sin. The holiest of men, sin 7x a day so just pray and forgive.
The decision to actually do it, I and no one will truly understand what was the actual thought or decision to finally do it. As a cluster head I can only understand and not agree or disagree.( I am sure Ill take flack for this blog). But we must JUST ONLY console the friends and family. Grieve with respect. Pray and do what we can to help others so this doesn't happen again.....
We all come from different lives, backgrounds, ethnicity's, religions, ages, and sex yet share something universally so horrendous not one cluster head has to explain to another cluster head how bad it actually is.
A couple days ago I posted on my facebook a caption...."It is really sad when someone says...."it can't be that bad", or "You are playing it up". or"I do not believe you" or "You are just lazy and do not want to work and bleed the system"....OK Fuckers.....NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME?...ugheeem...coward
and photos of my brain surgery to follow on my facebook page .
It got quite the response and some misunderstood the message i was trying to convey. I never meant the post to be malicious or in anger. It was meant for those who are suffering with others that do not support in disbelief to say hey I am not alone. It happens to me too. It wasn't meant for the douche bag cowards no longer in my life. They would have never read it.
So now as I write this....another person. A son, a husband, a friend...a human being has taken their own life due to cluster headaches. lets give them the respect and dignity he so deserves. Understand and compassion the family deserves without prejudice or judgement. And he did not die in vain.
There will be more suicides because of cluster headaches. That is a fact and reality. None of us should stop trying, fighting and living. But we are not the same. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. We should encourage and support one another. I am really writing this blog today more so for non cluster heads. Because today us cluster heads are mourning another loss of one of our own. A family member to us. A member of our team. Land and water separate some of us but we are closer than our neighbours next door.
I ask if you have God in your heart or just a good heart inside to pray or give well wishes to his families and others whom have experienced the loss of a loved one or friend. I do not profess to be a prophet or special. I just wish I had a magic wand and could heal all of us. Since I can not may the words and love of one another heal each others hurting hearts and comfort those in need.
Scott, Melissa, and all the fellow CH'ers who have passed....may you finally get the peace you so longed for. God Bless you all.
I love all of you so much. You all matter to me.
Please seek help if you need it. I don't ever want to write about you.